To the mums and dads with a broken heart
To the mums and dads with a broken heart
These lines are for you. Although we haven’t met. We do not know each other and yet we share the same fate.
I know exactly how you feel. I know your pain so well. We carry the same scars. I am so sorry that you are here. I know this is your biggest nightmare. That was not the plan. I understand you…
Maybe you only just knew the heartbeat. Maybe you were allowed to hold your baby in your arms.. Maybe you could even accompany it for some time. Maybe it happened yesterday or 20 years ago. I know you will never forget it. I know you would, without hesitation, give your life for your child. I know you would sacrifice every little bit of yourself to save your baby from this fate. We are the protectors of our children. But we could not protect them. Not from this. Not from the unthinkable. You would give everything for a single little moment with your child. Just stroking their soft cheek again. You would freeze the moment to preserve it for all eternity. I know how much you are missing your child. I feel your pain. A pain that nobody, who has not lost a child, can understand. You feel alone and misunderstood. Isolated from the world that just keeps turning. But you are not alone. So many other parents share this same path. Try to survive. To find a direction. In search of this little spark of hope.
Your broken heart. How I wish I could piece it together again. I wish I could undo all this. Get your life back on track. I would so like to give you back your child. I wish you could see it growing up, hear their laugh and feel their warm kisses. I know how much you want that.
But there are only questions. Questions to which there are no answers. And silence. This overwhelming sense of their absence. Every single day. There are going to be days when it feels like grief is devouring you. If you can do nothing but get out of bed and eat something. It’s OK. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself room to breathe. On the days when anger and pain tear you apart, go outside. Yell it out. Swear. Cry. Stamp. It’s crappy. It is not fair. Nobody deserves such a fate. Please allow for these feelings. Feel it. Mourn. Let the tears run wild. Only then can we relieve the pain. Only then can we find healing. If you can ever cure it that is. After all, our children were not a broken bone. No flu which disappears after some time. They are part of our hearts and now a part is missing.
You will heal. Maybe not as the world expects of you or even you yourself expect. You will not get over it or be able to leave it behind. But it will get easier. It will hurt less. You will be able to breathe easier one day. I have learned not to regard the mourning as my enemy. I do not want to defeat it. Over time, the pain gets better, less intense. Over time, love takes on an ever-increasing place. We will never stop loving our children and love is something wonderful. There is nothing better, more intrepid, stronger than the love of a mother and a father for their child. That’s the promise we gave our children. We swore to love them every second of their life and every second of our lives. Whatever the burden upon our heart. For our children, we would endure this pain over and over again. Where can one find more unconditional love than in the heart of a grieving mother or a grieving father? This love is stronger than the pain. And it is so beautiful.
Take a look at yourself. Here you are. You are still breathing. You are standing upright. How brave you are! You can survive the loss of your child, but you will be a different person. Such an experience will change you forever. There is no way back. Only forward. Together with the longing that will always accompany you. It will always be part of your life. Just like your child. You can live your life in honour of your child and that gives hope. Finding hope and love in such a loss can be difficult. I sincerely wish you find it. I wish that one day you will be able to perceive this beauty. That you see how great this gift is. We will probably never understand why our children were not allowed to stay. But they made us feel something very special: love knows no boundaries.
Star mum Franziska with Lennis deep in her heart
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